I love you more...

Okay. I get it, Mom. I guess you do love me more....

My mom and I have a routine when we finish a phone conversation with each other...

   Mom: "I love you."

   Me: " I love you too."

   Mom: "I love you more."

   Me: "No. I love you more."

     (sometimes I add, "I've known you longer." Because I knew her from the inside before she knew me.

But now, I know. There is no way that Emma can love me more than I love her. It's absolutely impossible. So, I guess my mom is right. She does love me more.

Petey Pictures

One of Evan's band parents gave us the idea to take Emma's picture with an object once a week to track her growth. So, in my last month of pregnancy, we took a trip to Build-A-Bear and made Petey.

6.12.11 (week 0)

6.19.11 (week 1)

Emma's birth story

Wednesday, June 8

The night before Emma was born, I felt many emotions. I was excited and anxious to meet our little girl, but also very nervous about surgery and my new responsibilities. It was so strange to think that in a few short hours we would be parents. Evan and I kept telling each other, "she'll be here tomorrow."

Mom and Mamaw made it to Baytown early in the afternoon and it seemed that having them there to distract me made the time fly. In a blink of an eye, it was time for bed and I just knew I would never get to sleep.

I woke up several times in the night, which wasn't strange for me in the last months of my pregnancy. Evan and I were both awake at 4 am. I heard him wake up, but kept my eyes closed. When I heard the TV turn on, I knew he was up for good. I said, "me too" and we both laughed a little. It didn't take long before my first round of tears began though. I was very nervous and having a hard time hiding it that morning.

We were scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 7:30 am, but were told to call at 7:00 am just to make sure there was a room for us. Mom and Mamaw were up and ready way before Evan and I even showered. I was just about to jump in the shower at 6:50 when Evan got a call from the hospital. They wanted to know where I was! We were supposed to be there at 6:30 am to be ready for 7:30 am surgery!

This little kink in the plan sent me into tears for the second time that morning. I was already nervous about being cut open, but now I was imagining everyone rushing through my surgery to stay on schedule. I was sure they would forget to give me anesthesia...slice and dice my organs...anything that could go wrong, I was picturing. This was not how I wanted my pregnancy to end and for sure not the side of me that should get to meet my daughter first!

I quickly took a shower and we all headed to the hospital. Before we even got out of the car, the tears were trickling down my cheeks again. I didn't want to upset everyone else and I knew I would worry Mom and Mamaw if I kept this up, but I was so scared and upset. I just couldn't stop.

Evan and I made our way back to Triage to get me ready for surgery. Evan tried to make me feel better and the nurse was so sweet. She assured me that everything was going to be fine and the schedule mixups happen all the time. I finally had to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and tell myself that this was not the way I wanted this day to be. I took a deep breath, washed my face, and pulled myself together. Today, was a going to be a good day.

I had expected to meet Emma before lunch, but the surgery kept being pushed back. "We're waiting for Dr. Gayle. We're waiting for the anesthesiologist." Waiting for this, waiting for that. Finally, we were told 11:30 am was our new surgery time. Mom and Mamaw were allowed to sit with us in Triage. They were both relieved that I had calmed down.

Thurday, June 9

San Jacinto Methodist Hospital

Labor and Delivery - Triage

My bed was so uncomfortable! I now had an IV in my arm and catheter in place, but I was also very gassy that morning and the nurse told me I was having contractions! My behind was sore from sitting so long, but every time I moved I was afraid my catheter would get tugged.

At the time, I thought I would never make it to surgery because I was just so uncomfortable. Now I realize the postponement was perfect for me. I needed to be calmer about going into the operating room and I needed to spend that extra time with Evan, Mom, and Mamaw.

It was after 12:00 pm when they finally took me to the operating room. They really should think about painting operating rooms. The plain white walls, bright light, and shiny metal tools are very scary. I could feel myself getting upset again until a Weezer song came on the radio. I immediately thought of Will and the funny conversation we had about poop the night before. I was going to be okay.

The anesthesiologist came in and the nurses began preparing me for a spinal. I'm glad I couldn't see that needle! The nurse in front of me said it would feel like a bee sting and then a pinch. That's exactly what I felt. The medicine worked quickly - I barely got my feet up on the table and my body down in time before I couldn't feel my lower half! I remember telling the anesthesiologist several times how good it felt to be able to relax. After hours of being uncomfortable, not being able to move my legs and that heavy feeling in my feet felt soooooo good!

Before I left triage, I told Evan I was afraid I wouldn't have the right reaction when Emma was born. I knew I wouldn't get to see her and hold her right away and I kept thinking she would feel like and alien baby. If I wasn't pushing her out and doing all that work, how would I know she was really mine? All my worries disappeared when I heard her cry. Tears rolled down my cheeks listening to my sweet girl make her first sounds. I couldn't see that she was really there and okay, but I could hear her loud and clear. All I could do is smile and cry.

Evan decided to cut the umbilical cord after all. When she was ready, Evan carried her to me and let me see her...and she could see and hear me. She was and is beautiful. She looked at me and I hope recognized my voice. Even now, I still can't believe this beautiful little girl is mine.

After I was stitched, the nurse wheeled me to recovery. Before we made it there though, I got to see Mom and Mamaw who were both looking in the nursery. I remember asking, "Isn't she so beautiful?" I could see tears in my mom's eyes. I was so proud and happy they were there.

The time I spent in recovery seemed like an eternity. I was so anxious to get back to my room and hold Emma for the first time. I tried to rest....what else could I do. After the nurse checked what she needed check and decided I was okay, she took me into my room where Evan was waiting. I still had to wait a while longer to see Emma.

I knew that after all was said and done, I wouldn't care how I delivered Emma. What I didn't know is that I could love this little stranger more than anyone else in the world. She is the most wonderful part of my life. I still can't believe that she is mine. I get to see those little eyes look up at me every day. Welcome to your family, Emma Madeline.

Day 3

Today was an amazing day for my new little family....Great days many times begin with great nights, and last night was definitely a victory for me.

I went to bed upset, frustrated, and feeling very defeated. It was our first night home and I just didn't know how I was going to make it. I was tired, sore, and super emotional going to bed, but somehow Emma and I made it through the night and into the morning feeling great.

First, I somehow figured out how to get her latched on better, which made nursing so much more manageable. We had a pretty good last night in the hospital because I let her sleep with me for a little before putting her back in her own bed. I decided to do that again...

She was extremely fussy last night. It was to the point that we gave in a gave her a pacifier. Yikes! But, by midnight, there were no more tears for my little one. Each time she started to stir and show signs of hunger, I was able to get her latched on before she could cry. I happily fed her and changed her last night. I don't know how to explain how good I felt taking care of her through the night. I woke up so proud of myself and feeling a lot more confident about my new job as Mom.

Today was such a wonderful day. After Evan found our breast feeding info from the lactation consultant, we both realized that everything we had been doing for the past 2 days was exactly right. We didn't even know it! Emma's feeding behaviors were right on track which meant that today she would probably have a marathon feeding. She did!!!!! And, my milk came in!!!

All of my worries about feeding are slowly disappearing. She ate, and ate, and ate today. The most wonderful part of my day, though, was all the skin-to-skin time. Emma and I napped a lot today. The feeling of her skin on mine and the rhythm of her breathing so close to me is the best feeling! It was a magical day!

2 weeks to go...

The countdown has begun I guess, even though we have no idea what the actual date will be. Technically today I have two weeks and one day left, but this baby clearly has a mind of her own and she's going to do things the way she wants.

Last week, I found out that she is already 7 pounds and is breech. Evan and I have tried and tried to get her to turn over. I'm sure anyone who saw us would laugh at the ridiculous things we've done. We started with ice on the top of my belly and a heating pad on my pelvis. We later added a change in elevation by having me lie down on an ironing board with one side propped up. Wait, there's more. Additionally, Evan shined a flashlight at the bottom of my belly and played music. He has also started singing and talking to Emma....and shushing me whenever I speak. There is no telling how wacky this kid is going to turn out with parents like us!

It's probable that none of these things will work. She doesn't want to turn because she's (1) not ready, (2) doesn't have room, (3) my body just isn't made for a vaginal birth. But, we keep trying and hoping that I can have the labor I want - a natural one. I feel like I've been reading and preparing myself physically, emotionally, and mentally for labor, but now it might be all taken out of my control. Well, the little control I had to begin with anyway.

So, now we're just sitting and waiting. Every little pain I have makes me wonder if it's coming. One thing we do know, though, is that she is coming. And, she's coming very soon!

Another school year is over...

Yesterday, we had a staff luncheon and had to come up with exciting and wonderful things that had happened this year. And, although I know there were many great things that happened, I just couldn't seem to pull them out of my brain at the time. So, here is my redo (with some non-Primary additions).....

1. Best Color Guard season ever...

Although I have loved every group I've ever worked with, these girls and this season has been my absolute favorite! For the first time, I finished a season not dreading next year, but looking forward to the possibilities of the future. I had m

ore responsibility this with this group than I've ever had in the past, but I felt the least stressed. The improvement of the group was definitely recognized in the community and I received compliments from so many people. Definitely one of my top accomplishments of the year!

2. I passed both my test (special ed and generalist) and I'm on my way to getting my Texas Teaching License!

This year, I had the opportunity to spend a great deal of time with a wonderful kid. He is autistic and absolutely fascinating to be around. In the short amount of time I spent as a special ed aide last year, I knew that special education was an interest I wanted to pursue. After this year, though, I have realized just how interesting the area of special education is. I have learned just as much from my kids as I hope they have learned from me. Each of them is a puzzle and so challenging at times, but also such wonderful little humans to be around.

3. Barbers Hill has a winter guard....

Not only did we have an awesome Fall season, these girls actually wanted to keep spinning this winter. They continued to amaze me and even came home with a trophy. It was a challenge to do everything while I was pregnant, but these girls really stepped up and made the first year of winter guard a huge success!

8 months later

A lot can happen in 8 months, which is the last time I wrote about anything. Looking back, I should have been writing about the many wonderful interesting things that have happened, but I didn't so here I go.....

The big news

The number one, most important thing that has changed in my life will here in 16 weeks. Evan and I are anxiously awaiting the arrival our first baby!

We found out in October, and from the beginning, Evan has been so excited. I, on the other hand, took some time to warm up to the idea. Evan has a gift for focusing on the fantastic side of things and completely ignoring everything else. I'm working on it. But in the beginning, all I could think about was everything that would change in our lives, the plans we would have to postpone, and the new roles we would both have to take. It didn't help that I felt sick at this time, too!

I probably got off a lot luckier than most women in my first trimester. I never "got sick," but I sure did feel like it a lot! We both already ate pretty healthy, so I didn't have to change much about my diet, and I still haven't. Giving up caffeine has been my only food sacrifice, which hasn't been much of a problem. I didn't drink many soft drinks before, but I did drink tea. I miss tea. On the plus side, I've only had one migraine since I found out. Wacky.

It's a girl!

And she is a mover! I was at school the first time I felt her move. Mrs. Burgess was reading Little Rabbit....and reminding the kids how to listen respectfully when someone is speaking... when I felt three tiny taps inside my belly. She saw my face and figured out what was happening. I was so surprised and not sure if it really was the baby. From then on, my little soccer player / kickboxer / ballerina has been moving and shaking all the time! She even wakes me up sometimes!

Evan is amazed by the kicks just as much as me. The first time he put his hand on my belly and felt it, I thought he was going to jump through the roof. We both just sit and watch my belly move sometimes. It really is amazing that there is a baby in there!

Daddy-to-be

Evan has conversations all the time with Emma. One of the first times he talked to her, he wanted to make sure she knew who was excited about her first. Minutes after taking a pregnancy test, he was already looking at baby clothes online...Red Sox baby gear to be exact! He told me everything there is to know about car seats and strollers the first time we went into a Babies-R-Us (babysaurus).

The best daddy-to-be story about Evan happened last weekend though. He made pancakes for me, which I noticed he'd been doing more. Of course, everything he makes is delicious! And, I do love pancakes, so I'm not complaining. When we had both finished, he said. "Can I tell you a secret?" He told me he was working on his pancake recipe so he and Emma could have weekend breakfasts. He's going to be such a great dad!