I think I cried for 24 hours.
Friday night was wonderful. I had to wake Emma up to eat. She didn't wake me up. Then when we finally got up for the morning, she was in such a good mood. I laid a blanket on the floor in the living room and talked to her while she looked all around. Everything was great. I knew I could handle this.
Later in the day though, I started feeling very tired. Evan was gone for a while, so I was alone. Emma doesn't cry unless she needs something. She's a very good baby. I started thinking about daycare again. How she would look into someone else's eyes to fall asleep and depend on someone else to give her what she needs. Then I realized how much she trusts me and what a huge responsibility being a mom is. I was suddenly overwhelmed.
This feeling would not go away. I didn't want to look at her....I didn't want her to look at me. It was awful. Luckily, Evan was home by the time the tears really started to flow. I feel awful about how I feel...which makes me feel even worse.
Yesterday, was an okay day. I went to the new moms group. Talked with another grown up. Then came home and had a nice nap. Later that afternoon we made a trip to Babies R Us. I thought I was through this.....but here I am crying again.
I just want to be the best mom I can be, and I'm scared I can't do it sometimes. This job is permanent. I can't decide in a few weeks that it's not for me. It's scary to have so much responsibility.
I'm very lucky to have a very good baby, but also to have a wonderful husband. Evan hasn't made me feel bad for crying. He's tried to help me calm down. He's done so much around the house, and with Emma to give me a break. I can't believe how lucky I am.
Maybe I'll be lucky enough for these blues to go away...
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