poop

Pain medications make it difficult for Mom's to go the bathroom....

Baby Blues are a big Bummer...

I think I cried for 24 hours.

Friday night was wonderful. I had to wake Emma up to eat. She didn't wake me up. Then when we finally got up for the morning, she was in such a good mood. I laid a blanket on the floor in the living room and talked to her while she looked all around. Everything was great. I knew I could handle this.

Later in the day though, I started feeling very tired. Evan was gone for a while, so I was alone. Emma doesn't cry unless she needs something. She's a very good baby. I started thinking about daycare again. How she would look into someone else's eyes to fall asleep and depend on someone else to give her what she needs. Then I realized how much she trusts me and what a huge responsibility being a mom is. I was suddenly overwhelmed.

This feeling would not go away. I didn't want to look at her....I didn't want her to look at me. It was awful. Luckily, Evan was home by the time the tears really started to flow. I feel awful about how I feel...which makes me feel even worse.

Yesterday, was an okay day. I went to the new moms group. Talked with another grown up. Then came home and had a nice nap. Later that afternoon we made a trip to Babies R Us. I thought I was through this.....but here I am crying again.

I just want to be the best mom I can be, and I'm scared I can't do it sometimes. This job is permanent. I can't decide in a few weeks that it's not for me. It's scary to have so much responsibility.

I'm very lucky to have a very good baby, but also to have a wonderful husband. Evan hasn't made me feel bad for crying. He's tried to help me calm down. He's done so much around the house, and with Emma to give me a break. I can't believe how lucky I am.

Maybe I'll be lucky enough for these blues to go away...

Mommy Meltdowns

It's a total surprise to me too, but I have been pretty calm since Emma arrived. Everyone told me to get plenty of sleep while I could when I was pregnant. I won't deny that I haven't gotten as much sleep, but the sleep I have gotten is much better. I don't wake up sore and uncomfortable. Plus I have a sweet girl to take care of when she wakes me up. When she cries, instead of getting overwhelmed, a switch turns on inside of me and I'm all of a sudden super calm. Maybe I'm a super hero. I know, it sounds like I have my emotions under control. But I assure you I have had my meltdown moments.

Meltdown 1
When we finally made it home, Emma got upset. Evan and I immediately tried to calm her with changing and trying to feed her, but neither worked. Evan pulled out the bouncy seat, the swing, and every toy we had to calm her. Now, you might think I started crying because she was upset...and that definitely was a part of my meltdown. But, the real reason I got so upset this time was because I didn't want her to like any of these things - the swing, the bouncy seat, or any of her toys. I wanted her to only want me. I realize this is completely ridiculous.....now.

Meltdown 2
This one was pretty mild, but I'm still going to count it. I was at least able to hold it together long enough to get back to the car....

We left the hospital on Saturday, but were told to get Emma to her pediatrician on Monday to check the progression of her Jaundice. So, on Monday we headed out on our first outing with the "biscuit." I had a lot to be upset about on this day because we ended up taking Emma to the hospital for some lab work because of the amount of weight she had lost since birth and the yellow tint of her skin. And again, I realize how silly it was for me to choose this particular thing to get upset about.....but I did. I was upset because I hadn't noticed the milia all over body. The doctor was checking her out and mentioned that we probably noticed the small white bumps all over her body. Well, I didn't....even though we had given her sponge bath that very morning! All of a sudden I decided I was a terrible mother because I hadn't noticed something that wasn't hurting Emma at all.

I was worried about the Jaundice, especially when we had to take her back to the lab the next day for more blood to be drawn. I was also worried that we were going to have to give her formula to help her gain some of her weight back. But, for some reason, I was able to hold it together through all of this.

Meltdown 3
This one was another of the I-should-have-noticed-it meltdowns. Emma's umbilical cord stump kind of popped out of her belly button and showed some pussy, bloody ickiness underneath. It seemed like it was hurting her because she very upset and crying. Well, I lost it. How hadn't I noticed her umblical cord? What kind of a mother was I? I made Evan call the doctor about this one and we found out that she doesn't have much feeling in her belly button, so it probably wasn't bothering her. And, the "popping out" part was normal.

NOTE: All of these silly meltdowns were usually followed with a crying episode complete with apologizing to anyone around me for crying. And also crying because I just felt stupid for being upset.

Meltdown 4
Daycare is about the worst thing to mention around me right now. Again, it's silly because I don't even have to think about it for almost 2 months. But, just the thought of it brings me to tears. Early this morning, I was feeding Emma and singing to her. Tears started pouring from my eyes because it hit me that someone else would be doing this with my baby while I'm at work in the Fall. Those sweet little eyes will be looking at someone else's face. She'll open and close her eyes, fighting sleep and making sure the person who is holding her really is still there - and it won't be me she's looking for. I don't like it. Actually I hate it! I might cry now.

I love you more...

Okay. I get it, Mom. I guess you do love me more....

My mom and I have a routine when we finish a phone conversation with each other...

   Mom: "I love you."

   Me: " I love you too."

   Mom: "I love you more."

   Me: "No. I love you more."

     (sometimes I add, "I've known you longer." Because I knew her from the inside before she knew me.

But now, I know. There is no way that Emma can love me more than I love her. It's absolutely impossible. So, I guess my mom is right. She does love me more.

Petey Pictures

One of Evan's band parents gave us the idea to take Emma's picture with an object once a week to track her growth. So, in my last month of pregnancy, we took a trip to Build-A-Bear and made Petey.

6.12.11 (week 0)

6.19.11 (week 1)

Emma's birth story

Wednesday, June 8

The night before Emma was born, I felt many emotions. I was excited and anxious to meet our little girl, but also very nervous about surgery and my new responsibilities. It was so strange to think that in a few short hours we would be parents. Evan and I kept telling each other, "she'll be here tomorrow."

Mom and Mamaw made it to Baytown early in the afternoon and it seemed that having them there to distract me made the time fly. In a blink of an eye, it was time for bed and I just knew I would never get to sleep.

I woke up several times in the night, which wasn't strange for me in the last months of my pregnancy. Evan and I were both awake at 4 am. I heard him wake up, but kept my eyes closed. When I heard the TV turn on, I knew he was up for good. I said, "me too" and we both laughed a little. It didn't take long before my first round of tears began though. I was very nervous and having a hard time hiding it that morning.

We were scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 7:30 am, but were told to call at 7:00 am just to make sure there was a room for us. Mom and Mamaw were up and ready way before Evan and I even showered. I was just about to jump in the shower at 6:50 when Evan got a call from the hospital. They wanted to know where I was! We were supposed to be there at 6:30 am to be ready for 7:30 am surgery!

This little kink in the plan sent me into tears for the second time that morning. I was already nervous about being cut open, but now I was imagining everyone rushing through my surgery to stay on schedule. I was sure they would forget to give me anesthesia...slice and dice my organs...anything that could go wrong, I was picturing. This was not how I wanted my pregnancy to end and for sure not the side of me that should get to meet my daughter first!

I quickly took a shower and we all headed to the hospital. Before we even got out of the car, the tears were trickling down my cheeks again. I didn't want to upset everyone else and I knew I would worry Mom and Mamaw if I kept this up, but I was so scared and upset. I just couldn't stop.

Evan and I made our way back to Triage to get me ready for surgery. Evan tried to make me feel better and the nurse was so sweet. She assured me that everything was going to be fine and the schedule mixups happen all the time. I finally had to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and tell myself that this was not the way I wanted this day to be. I took a deep breath, washed my face, and pulled myself together. Today, was a going to be a good day.

I had expected to meet Emma before lunch, but the surgery kept being pushed back. "We're waiting for Dr. Gayle. We're waiting for the anesthesiologist." Waiting for this, waiting for that. Finally, we were told 11:30 am was our new surgery time. Mom and Mamaw were allowed to sit with us in Triage. They were both relieved that I had calmed down.

Thurday, June 9

San Jacinto Methodist Hospital

Labor and Delivery - Triage

My bed was so uncomfortable! I now had an IV in my arm and catheter in place, but I was also very gassy that morning and the nurse told me I was having contractions! My behind was sore from sitting so long, but every time I moved I was afraid my catheter would get tugged.

At the time, I thought I would never make it to surgery because I was just so uncomfortable. Now I realize the postponement was perfect for me. I needed to be calmer about going into the operating room and I needed to spend that extra time with Evan, Mom, and Mamaw.

It was after 12:00 pm when they finally took me to the operating room. They really should think about painting operating rooms. The plain white walls, bright light, and shiny metal tools are very scary. I could feel myself getting upset again until a Weezer song came on the radio. I immediately thought of Will and the funny conversation we had about poop the night before. I was going to be okay.

The anesthesiologist came in and the nurses began preparing me for a spinal. I'm glad I couldn't see that needle! The nurse in front of me said it would feel like a bee sting and then a pinch. That's exactly what I felt. The medicine worked quickly - I barely got my feet up on the table and my body down in time before I couldn't feel my lower half! I remember telling the anesthesiologist several times how good it felt to be able to relax. After hours of being uncomfortable, not being able to move my legs and that heavy feeling in my feet felt soooooo good!

Before I left triage, I told Evan I was afraid I wouldn't have the right reaction when Emma was born. I knew I wouldn't get to see her and hold her right away and I kept thinking she would feel like and alien baby. If I wasn't pushing her out and doing all that work, how would I know she was really mine? All my worries disappeared when I heard her cry. Tears rolled down my cheeks listening to my sweet girl make her first sounds. I couldn't see that she was really there and okay, but I could hear her loud and clear. All I could do is smile and cry.

Evan decided to cut the umbilical cord after all. When she was ready, Evan carried her to me and let me see her...and she could see and hear me. She was and is beautiful. She looked at me and I hope recognized my voice. Even now, I still can't believe this beautiful little girl is mine.

After I was stitched, the nurse wheeled me to recovery. Before we made it there though, I got to see Mom and Mamaw who were both looking in the nursery. I remember asking, "Isn't she so beautiful?" I could see tears in my mom's eyes. I was so proud and happy they were there.

The time I spent in recovery seemed like an eternity. I was so anxious to get back to my room and hold Emma for the first time. I tried to rest....what else could I do. After the nurse checked what she needed check and decided I was okay, she took me into my room where Evan was waiting. I still had to wait a while longer to see Emma.

I knew that after all was said and done, I wouldn't care how I delivered Emma. What I didn't know is that I could love this little stranger more than anyone else in the world. She is the most wonderful part of my life. I still can't believe that she is mine. I get to see those little eyes look up at me every day. Welcome to your family, Emma Madeline.

Day 3

Today was an amazing day for my new little family....Great days many times begin with great nights, and last night was definitely a victory for me.

I went to bed upset, frustrated, and feeling very defeated. It was our first night home and I just didn't know how I was going to make it. I was tired, sore, and super emotional going to bed, but somehow Emma and I made it through the night and into the morning feeling great.

First, I somehow figured out how to get her latched on better, which made nursing so much more manageable. We had a pretty good last night in the hospital because I let her sleep with me for a little before putting her back in her own bed. I decided to do that again...

She was extremely fussy last night. It was to the point that we gave in a gave her a pacifier. Yikes! But, by midnight, there were no more tears for my little one. Each time she started to stir and show signs of hunger, I was able to get her latched on before she could cry. I happily fed her and changed her last night. I don't know how to explain how good I felt taking care of her through the night. I woke up so proud of myself and feeling a lot more confident about my new job as Mom.

Today was such a wonderful day. After Evan found our breast feeding info from the lactation consultant, we both realized that everything we had been doing for the past 2 days was exactly right. We didn't even know it! Emma's feeding behaviors were right on track which meant that today she would probably have a marathon feeding. She did!!!!! And, my milk came in!!!

All of my worries about feeding are slowly disappearing. She ate, and ate, and ate today. The most wonderful part of my day, though, was all the skin-to-skin time. Emma and I napped a lot today. The feeling of her skin on mine and the rhythm of her breathing so close to me is the best feeling! It was a magical day!